


BARK

by summernyx



Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: Body Positivity, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hospitals, Jorel has severe anxiety, M/M, Mild Body Worship, More tags to be added, Non-explicit Rape mention, STD talk, Strong Platonic bonding, Weight insecurity, Werewolf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-01-22 06:48:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12475800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summernyx/pseuds/summernyx
Summary: This day started out painfully normal. A generous helping of insecurity, some broken sunglasses, and sex before work. Amid the daily disappointments and a few panic attacks, Jorel was sure there wasn't going to be any surprises. He was wrong. Horribly wrong. And it all started when a coworker called in sick, and Jorel didn't make a call like he was supposed to. Now the world is unraveling around him, as he tries to juggle his job, his band, his boyfriend, and his new hellish lifestyle by the full moon. Oh, yeah- and the mystery of how all of this happened.***UPDATES ON THURSDAYS***





	1. An Average Morning

Everything started out incredibly normal that day. Jorel rolled out of bed, tripped over his own shoes on the way to the bathroom, stepped on his sunglasses, snapping them in two (this had to be the third pair this week, he was starting to suffer), and stared at himself in the mirror, sinking into a pit of self loathing, the more he observed his chubby face. _'Gross,'_ he huffed to himself. He hated how his face looked. “Gross,” he hissed aloud, spite rolling off him in waves. A dark mass walked into the bathroom behind him, and Johnny, still half asleep, put his arms around his middle and nuzzled his face into his neck.

 

“Who we talkin’ about?” Johnny mumbled. Through Jorel’s t-shirt, he could feel Johnny’s bare chest and belly, radiating heat and somehow making him feel cold everywhere else. Cold and empty. He pressed back against him, seeking to bury himself in the warm arms and forget that the person he was looking at in the mirror was him, and that was _his_ chubby face.

 

“Me,” he finally said, leaning his head back on Johnny’s shoulder and staring at the ceiling rather than the mirror. Johnny’s arms squeezed around his middle, and his lips pressed gently to his shoulder.

 

“Why izzat?” Johnny mumbled, peppering kisses all along his shoulder and neck.

 

“My face, I hate it,” he sighed, then chanced a glance at himself in the mirror again. Even with Johnny, a hulking chubby body with beefy chubby arms, standing behind him, Jorel was still aware of his body and how much he _didn’t_ like it. “Look at me, I’m fat, and I look gross.” Johnny’s gaze flicked up to the mirror, and his lips stopped the incessant kissing.

 

“So what? I’m fat.” Johnny mumbled.

 

“You’re _buff._ ” Jorel corrected.

 

“And I look fat. But I don’t care.” Johnny shrugged, seemingly unconcerned with Jorel’s dilemma. Jorel huffed in agitation and closed his eyes.

 

“You’re being an ass.” Jorel said. Johnny shrugged again and kissed his neck.

 

“I just don’t see the problem with being fat, I’m sorry.” Johnny mumbled and nuzzled against his jaw. “You’re not even that fat to begin with. You’re smaller’n me, you don’t stick out that much, you’re just not rail skinny.” Johnny smiled against his skin and looped his fingers under the hem of his shirt, “y’know, I think you look good.” He said, as he lifted the shirt up and off his body. Jorel was met with his own soft shaped belly, and he cringed. He didn’t like how he looked at all. Johnny’s hands sought out his hips, moving gently over his waist, across his stomach, and up his chest. “You’re super pretty, J.” He muttered, no longer burying his face against his neck, but instead resting his chin on his shoulder and watching his hands travel along Jorel’s bare chest in the mirror. Jorel found it hard to agree with the praise, but the feeling of those hands on his skin, not shying away from him, made him ease up just the slightest bit. “If nothin’ else, at least think about this, if you still love me, an’ I’m not skinny, then maybe there ain’t nothin wrong with you an’ how you look.” Johnny tended to slur when he was turned on, or half asleep. Or in this case, both. Jorel snorted and shook his head.

 

“You’re just saying that.” He found it hard to believe.

 

“Do you think I’m hot?” Johnny released him and stepped back, holding his arms up and out, putting himself - chubby belly and all - on display. “Even though I’m fat?” Jorel turned around and studied him for a moment, leaning back against the bathroom counter, looking him over like he was thinking about it. Though his face looked like he was having a hard time deciding, his mind was already made up and he was merely admiring the man’s body while pretending to be unsure. After a long minute, Johnny dropped his arms and huffed, “Do I have to stand here all day an’ let you put off provin’ my point?” Jorel covered his mouth and laughed.

 

“No, I think you look perfect.” Jorel mumbled. Johnny closed in on him and kissed his lips, resting his hands on his hips.

 

“So what’s wrong with you? You’re even smaller’n me.”

 

“You’re strong,” Jorel whispered. “You’re strong, and built. You don’t look flabby, you look like you work out.” He could feel a strange sense of embarrassment wash over him, but he couldn’t understand why.

 

“J, you’re strong too,” Johnny said. The shift in his tone hit Jorel harder than it should have. He was starting feel the gravity of how Jorel felt, and Jorel could sense it. “Honestly,” Johnny seemed to be grasping for what to say, and the more he grasped, the more J’s eyes drifted along the wall of the bathroom and settled on anything but Johnny’s face. Johnny crossed closer to him, reaching out to touch his arms. “You’re pretty. I don’t think you could possibly be any prettier.” He was getting redundant, and Jorel was losing his ability to listen. Johnny dipped down in front of him, pressing a kiss to his chest, “you don’t have to be skinny,” he kissed his chest again, lower, crouching down to do so, “strong,” he dropped to his knees, drawing J’s attention. He gripped his hips, kissing his stomach, trailing his lips lower and lower, finally kissing just above his sweatpants, and looking up at him, “or _anything_ like that, JJ, I couldn’t care less.” Jorel smiled down at him, his heart twisting in his chest. For the briefest moment, he forgot. He forgot and he didn’t even care to remember.

 

“Thank you, Johnny.” He whispered, reaching down and running his fingers through his messy bed hair. Johnny kissed his stomach once more, putting his arms around his hips and nipping at his skin just a little too roughly, “Ah! Hey! I feel better now, you don’t have to gnaw on me!” Jorel’s words were meant to scold, but all they did was encourage. Johnny sucked his skin between his teeth, biting to the point of almost bruising. “OW!!” Jorel found himself laughing and pushing on Johnny to make him stop, “you ass!” Johnny just laughed, releasing his skin and looking up at him, eyes bright.

 

“Look, I got my ass all the way down here, an’ you’re crazy if you think I’m gettin’ up before I get any.” Jorel covered his mouth as he laughed, shaking his head helplessly.

 

“Fuck, fine, fine.” Jorel gave in, not at all disappointed, as he would have Johnny think. Not even remotely disappointed when Johnny pulled his sweatpants down, nor particularly disappointed when he dragged his thigh up over his shoulder. Though, perhaps he was a little disappointed when, in the midst of moaning himself senseless, he lost his grip and fell back against the mirror, nearly cracking the damn thing. Not that it’d done much to interrupt them.

 

As previously stated, that day had started out _painfully_ normal. They had wound up right back in bed, tangled in each other’s arms, waiting for the sun to come up, screw being to work on time. This was a normal day…. So what the _hell_ went wrong with it?


	2. Long Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I decided to post chapter two early. I have a fair amount written, so this isn't a significant dent yet.

Bolting out the door that morning nearly twenty minutes late was likely the first part in a list of stressful fuck-ups that Jorel  _ really _ didn’t want to put up with. The first, and not the last. This newest job was a cashier clerk at a gas station. If he could hold this one down for longer than a month, he’d be setting a new personal record. His current track with every job seemed to immediately go sideways when a tour started, or in worse cases, his manager found out that he happened to be part of a raunchy party band. Oh, yeah, what could  _ possibly _ be worse than hiring some trashbag that sang about getting drunk? The bitter thought was quickly brushed aside, when Jorel watched the bus he was trying to catch pull away. Damn. He had to wonder when that stupid car would be fixed, he was getting sick of taking the bus. Even moreso of  _ missing it. _ He sighed and tossed his bag down on the bench, pulling out his phone and dialing his manager’s number. He was not going to be making it on time.

 

Her phone rang and rang, and Jorel tapped his foot impatiently.  _ Please don’t be on silent, please don’t be on silent… _ “Hi, you’ve reached…”

 

“Oh, for  _ fucks sake!” _ He hissed, nearly tossing his phone into the street. Well, if she didn’t fire him for the band association, when she inevitably found out,  _ this _ was certainly going to do it. He sat down on the bench beside his bag and stared helplessly at his phone, praying she’d realize he called. Ten minutes later, and still no luck, and it was going to be another twenty minutes before the next bus came. His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest, this was  _ not _ going well. He briefly debated calling Johnny, but he was probably already to work, and aside from that, they’d had this argument many times already. Johnny always insisting that he should let him take him to work until his car was working again, and Jorel always stubbornly taking the bus. He wasn’t a quitter, he was  _ not _ giving in now. But then, maybe that stubbornness was leading him by the hand right into a disaster. Exactly like the one he was in for now. He tried dialing the manager again, in a vague hope that she might answer this time, but with no luck yet again.

 

It took him a few minutes to notice that a man had sat down on the bench near him, though he didn’t give him more than a brief glance. Several more minutes passed, and Jorel became acutely aware that the man was  _ staring right at him _ , eyes unblinking, like some statue. Jorel avoided locking gazes, and tried to shrink down, pulling his hood up and tugging it down to cover his eyes a little.  _ Ignore him, maybe he’ll go away. _ Jorel thought. If Johnny were here, that guy wouldn’t be doing this. Jorel rolled his eyes and almost grumbled out loud. He didn’t need to be babysat, that’s why he was so adamant on riding the bus. He wasn’t a kid, and he wasn’t helpless. But, at that very moment, with a guy twice his size looking at him like a slice of meat, he kind of wished he had Johnny there to make it stop. He inhaled hard and forced himself to calm down. He was going to be  _ fine. _

 

Right on cue, there was the bus. Jorel shot up, grabbing his bag and stepping up to the curb to wait for the bus. The man rose as well and walked up directly behind him, standing a few inches behind him. Too close for comfort. Close enough to make Jorel want to whirl around and punch his throat. He doubted he could reach that high, the man had to have been six foot or more. He wasn’t that tall. He hurried onto the bus and tried to get a seat as far away from the guy as possible, then pulled his hood up farther and stared out the window, determined to ignore him the whole ride to work.

  
\---  
  
  


An Hour late. Jorel wound up an  _ hour _ late to work because of missing the bus. Predictably, his manager was livid. “Where were you?!”

 

“I missed the bus. I tried to call you twice.” He said, though it was probably a bad idea to mention calling, because her face turned almost as red as her lipstick.

 

“You need to  _ be on time _ or else you won’t have a JOB!” Jorel shut his mouth and nodded. Inside, he was nearing a boiling point. This woman was being a pain in the ass. She worked him over a few more times, yelling her frustrations out while customers and the other cashier listened in, then she finally let him go. He walked out to take his station, completely ignoring the stares of the customers peering over shelves and around magazines, seemingly convinced they were oh-so-discreet. Vanessa, the other cashier, gave him a small sympathetic smile and slipped a piece of paper to him while the manager stormed off to the storage room at the back of the building. Jorel opened the paper to find a cartoonish cat, with it’s throat stitched and it’s body obviously zombified, raising a rotted paw in a greeting, and a speech bubble above it saying, ‘welcome to work, furr-ocious.’ Jorel smiled and tucked the drawing into his pocket.

 

“Hey,” he said.

 

“Sorry about your bus, J.” Vanessa offered.

 

“Thanks. I just hope she doesn’t fire me for it.”

 

“She won’t.”

 

They were interrupted by a customer, then, and after he left, the manager leaned out of the store room and hollered at Jorel. “J, I need your help, tough guy.” Jorel stepped away from his register and went to the back. The manager pointed to some boxes. “Move these, they’re too heavy for me.” She rubbed at her back, a clear indicator that she’d already tried to move them. Jorel nodded and crouched to lift them up, breathing out heavily at the weight of them.

 

“Didn’t your doctor say you weren’t supposed to be lifting things this heavy?” He asked, as he walked the boxes to where she directed him.

 

“That’s why you’re doing it.” She snapped back.

“You just tried to lift this, didn’t you?” He asked, grinning at her, hoping he’d redeem himself. She rolled her eyes and brushed him off.

 

“So what? Just put it up!” The smirk she tried to hide gave him hope. Maybe this day was potentially going to get better?

 

Along about five in the afternoon, Vanessa was gone, and Jorel was an hour from leaving, when the afternoon manager came up to him, his face pulled into a frown. “Bad news,” Jorel’s heart sank. “We had a call out for the evening shift, can you stay to twelve?” Jorel bit back the audible groan and nodded.

 

“Can I call my, b-- er, roommate?” He asked, hesitant on calling Johnny his boyfriend. Nobody at work knew he had one, save Vanessa. She was about the only one he wanted to tell. The night manager, Steve, nodded.

 

“How ‘bout you take an hour break, maybe you can go grab some dinner.” He offered. Jorel nodded and stepped out from behind the register, walking outside and going around the back of the building where he was sure no one could hear, then he pulled out his phone and dialed Johnny’s number, hand’s shaking with a mix of frustration and exhaustion.

 

Johnny picked up on the third ring, “hey, J!” That cheery voice made his lips quirk up in a smile.

 

“Bad news, babe.” Jorel decided to get right to it. “Someone called out, they need me to stay to midnight tonight.”

 

“Shit, Jorel.” Johnny even  _ sounded _ deflated. “Guess there goes plans for tonight, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Jorel sighed heavily, “I’m sorry.” He grit his teeth hard against a sudden wave of tears he hadn’t been anticipating.

 

“Nah, it’s alright, there’s always next week.” Johnny’s voice bounced back, as if he didn’t just sound so upset. Jorel smiled, wiping at his eyes to control the threatening tears.

 

“Steve gave me an hour for dinner, do you wanna meet me? We can try to cram something in.” He offered, forcing the tears back.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a few.” Jorel hesitated for a long moment. He couldn’t have been certain, but Johnny had sounded suspicious just then. He was probably being paranoid, but it didn’t stop his heart from hammering for a few seconds.

 

“I’ll see you in a few.” Jorel mumbled into the phone, then added onto the end, “I love you,” after glancing around to make sure no one was listening. They hung up, and Jorel exhaled hard, grabbing at his chest to steady his heart rate and resting his head on his knees to try to calm himself down. His vision seemed to blur for a moment, and he felt a wave of emotion he couldn’t explain. He trembled all over and tried to shrink down, wrapping his arms around himself and trying to steady his breathing. Every time he exhaled it came out forced, sometimes hard enough to sound like a sob. A few minutes passed before he had caught his breath and managed to walk back to the front of the gas station. He scanned the front lot, hoping Johnny was here, but sighed when he didn’t see his car. He walked back inside and got back on the register, watching a few customers browse the shelves.

 

“I thought you went on a break?” Steve’s voice came out of nowhere, making Jorel jump. That feeling from before started to come back, but he tried to push it down, breathing heavily for several seconds. “Woah, hey. Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” Steve furrowed his brow and tilted his head. “Hey, dude, is everything okay?” Jorel nodded.

 

“I’m just waiting on my roommate before I clock out.” He muttered. “We had plans tonight, we were gonna grab something together on my break, since we can’t go out anymore.”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry about that.” Steve frowned sympathetically. “I really appreciate you taking this shift, though. You don’t work tomorrow, do you?”

 

“Eight am.” Jorel said flatly. His body ached at the thought of how little sleep he was going to be getting tonight. Steve grimaced and shook his head.

 

“Uh, shit, I could call someone else for you, man, you don’t really look that great.” Jorel smiled and shook his head.

 

“I should be fine, I don’t know who’d wanna take the night shift, anyway. It’s only till midnight, anyway. Not a big deal.”

 

“Well I have someone else to come in when you get off, if you need me to, I can try to push to get them in now.” Jorel felt that sensation stirring in his stomach again. He didn’t want to imagine how pissed off someone would be about having to come in and work the entire night. He shook his head more insistently this time.

 

“It’s only a few more hours, really.” Jorel’s face felt hot suddenly. Or did it feel cold? He shivered a little, unable to decide.

 

“You don’t look so good, I don’t--” Steve didn’t get to finish when a pair of hands slid across the counter and caught Jorel’s face between them, nearly causing him to shriek as Johnny tugged him halfway across the counter and planted a huge kiss on his nose.

 

“Johnny!” Jorel’s voice jumped an octave, breaking in a rather embarrassing way.

 

“Hey, dude.” Johnny grinned and let him go.

 

Jorel’s face turned red, and he chewed on his lip. “Don’t  _ do _ that to me!” He tried to ignore the way Steve was staring at them, eyebrows raised clear to the ceiling, as he punched out. “I’ll be back in an hour.” He dropped his name tag and threw on his hoodie, hurrying around the counter and grabbing Johnny’s arm to drag him out the door. Jorel pulled him around the corner of the building and smacked him on the shoulder, “Johnny, what the hell did you do that for!?”

 

Johnny laughed, sounding incredulous, “I’m your  _ boyfriend _ . I sleep with you every night, I can’t kiss you all of a sudden?”

 

“Not  _ here!” _ He said, zipping his hoodie up and pulling the hood over his head. “They don’t know!”

 

“Oh, jeez,  _ soooorry. _ ” Johnny crossed his arms and frowned. Jorel didn’t know why, but the irritated look made him shudder like he was close to tears.

 

“Nevermind, can we go? I’m kinda hungry.” He stepped around Johnny and hurried to his car, hoping he was right behind him. He reached the passenger side and looked up, relieved to see Johnny was right behind him, and reaching for his keys.

 

“Whadaya want?” Johnny asked, monotonous.

 

“I don’t care, McDonald’s sounds fine.” Jorel answered him, clasping his hands together between his knees and looking at his feet.

 

“Really? That’s it?” Johnny didn’t even try to hide the disappointment.

 

“Yeah, I just want it to be quick.” He said. He could feel Johnny looking at him, but he didn’t meet his gaze.

 

“Alright,” Johnny spoke after a long moment. They pulled into the McDonald’s and, before he could park, Jorel spoke up.

 

“Can we get drive-thru?” This time, he couldn’t hide from the irritated look Johnny gave him.

 

“Jorel, are you feeling okay?”

 

“Yeah, but I’m about to go through six more hours of dealing with people, I don’t really want to go inside.” Johnny studied him for a moment, reaching over and placing a hand on his shoulder. Jorel took his hand, breathing in deep. “I’m okay, I promise.” Johnny nodded, then pulled into the drive-thru.   
  
  


Half an hour later, Jorel found himself in the back seat of the car, resting in Johnny’s lap, fingers laced with his, and his face resting in the crook of his neck. He could feel his eyelids getting heavy, so he raised his head and blinked a few times, rubbing the tiredness away.

 

“Fallin’ asleep?” Johnny looked away from his phone, smiling at him sympathetically.

 

“God, I need to stay awake, or I’m gonna be so tired tonight.” He mumbled. Even as he spoke, he felt his eyelids growing heavy again. He cursed under his breath, getting annoyed.

 

Johnny turned off his phone and shuffled Jorel around on his lap, pressing a kiss to his lips. “You wanna try walkin’ around?” He asked.

 

“Watch your tone with me, Ragan.” Jorel snapped.

 

“What’d I say?” Johnny looked at him, sticking his bottom lip out some.

 

“That was  _ not _ an ‘I want to take a walk’ tone,” Jorel  _ knew _ that voice all too well. Johnny laughed and nuzzled his neck.

 

“You’ve got, like, half an hour still.” Johnny said against his neck. “And it’d keep you awake.”

 

“You just got some this morning.” Jorel whined, though he put his arm around his shoulders and leaned in to kiss his cheekbone.

 

“Uh, I’m not doing this for me, I’m doin’ it for you,” his voice dropped lower halfway through his sentence, and his hand snuck up his thigh. Jorel tried not to grin, as he adjusted himself so he was straddling Johnny’s lap.

 

“Are you really?” He asked, voice soft and still managing to leak sarcasm. “And I don’t suppose you had this planned out, did you?” He was expecting a stutter or an embarrassed ‘no, sorry,’ but no sooner had he asked, Johnny was reaching past him and pulling a condom out of the pocket on the back of the driver seat. Jorel’s jaw dropped. “Dude, are you kidding me?”

 

“What, I’m just prepared,” Johnny grinned triumphantly. “We ain’t gonna get a chance at home, tonight. I doubt you’ll be awake enough for it by then,” Johnny reasoned, then kissed his shoulder quickly. “I won’t be rough or nothin’,” he turned and pressed a kiss to his neck, sucking his skin between his teeth and nibbling gently.

 

Jorel sighed, tipping his head back some, “promise you won’t leave any marks?”

 

“Yeah, promise,” Jorel shrugged his hoodie off and checked the time. He still had a good twenty minutes, he could make it work. Even if he didn’t have time, he doubted he’d be able to stop now, anyway. He rocked his hips down on Johnny and sighed again when his hands found their way up his shirt.

 

“Don’t,” Jorel paused to gasp, when he grinded down in a way that felt particularly nice, “don’t be too slow, okay?” By the way Johnny grunted, he didn’t think it’d be an issue. Johnny shuffled and pushed him down on the back seat, and Jorel melted in his arms for several minutes, nearly forgetting about the six more hours he’d have to endure at work.

 

By the time they were finished, panting and holding each other tightly, Jorel couldn’t even feel that panic from earlier. In fact, he hadn’t felt this calm all day. He lay still beneath Johnny, trying to catch his breath, arms draped over his shoulders, fingers tangled in his hair, basking in the afterglow, not daring to check his watch. He didn’t want to leave yet. He didn’t want to go back. He just wanted to stay there, feeling Johnny’s warmth, his large form shielding him from everything. He tugged Johnny up and from where he had his head resting on his chest, and he pressed a kiss to his lips, eyes fluttering closed as he savored the moment. It felt like it ended too fast when his phone chimed loudly, the ten minute alarm going off. He let his head fall back on the seat, groaning in frustration.

 

“Damn,” Johnny breathed, nestling his head back down on Jorel’s chest. “We better get movin’, huh?” He sounded as disappointed as Jorel felt.

 

“Mhm,” J mumbled. Neither of them moved for several seconds. Finally Johnny pushed himself up and started to fix his clothes, handing Jorel his jeans and scooting over so he had room to work them back on. They crawled back into the front seat, and Johnny started the car.

 

The drive back felt a lot less tense, though maybe it was because Jorel was a lot less tense, at least for the moment. As soon as they arrived, Johnny parked in the corner of the lot, out of sight of the registers, and reached over to Jorel, pulling him in for one last kiss, “call me when you’re off, I’ll come pick you up.”

 

“It’s okay, I’ll catch the bus.” Jorel said, automatically. Johnny touched his forehead to his and sighed softly.

 

“You’re stubborn.” He mumbled.

 

“Yeah, I am.” Jorel smiled softly, closing his eyes and willing time to stop long enough to let him  _ enjoy _ this.

 

“At least call me when you’re off. Lemme know when you’ll be getting home, okay?” Jorel nodded, humming softly.

 

“I gotta go now, I’ll see you tonight.” He said, leaning back as Johnny released him and turning to open his door. He paused halfway out and turned, leaning his head back in, smiling softly and saying, “I love you.”

 

“Love you too,” Johnny smiled back and waved as he shut the door and hurried across the lot.

 

Jorel turned and watched him drive off, lips quirking into a small smile, before he walked back inside and clocked back in. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be so bad. After all, he had Johnny at home.


	3. Not a Good Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I think I was late posting this chapter. I'm gonna have to set up specific days of the week to post.

Midnight could not have come any slower that night. No amount of stocking and restocking shelves, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the soda machines, or playing paper football with himself could make time move  _ any _ faster. Once his replacement, a short guy who’d only been there a week at most, clocked in, J was rushing out the door with his backpack tossed over his shoulder.

“Have a good one, J,” Steve yelled after him. Jorel waved over his shoulder and started power walking to the bus stop, praying he wasn’t going to be too late. He just  _ barely _ made it, having to run to the door of the bus and tapping on it to make the driver open it and let him on. He flopped down at the back of the bus, sighing heavily. He couldn’t wait to get home, couldn’t wait to fall asleep in his bed and hear Johnny snoring beside him. He leaned back and watched lights zip past in the night, arms folded across his chest and bouncing his leg impatiently as his stop neared. He felt his eyes grow heavy, and he nearly fell asleep twice, before he saw the familiar corner that was his stop. He reached up and yanked the wire, requesting the stop, and stood up, walking to the door. He hadn’t realized until then that he was the only one on the bus. Save… Save for an oddly familiar man, sitting at the very front,  _ staring _ at him. Jorel looked down, chewing his lip nervously, then hurried off the bus as soon as the door opened.

Jorel hurried down the street, eyes forward, waiting for the bus to pass. It took longer than he thought, before he heard the doors squeak shut, and the bus screeched into gear, taking off and picking up momentum as it passed him. Jorel looked up, searching the bus for the man, and in the brief second he could see in, he found it completely empty. His heart began pounding out of his chest. He dared not look over his shoulder, didn’t slow his steps, just kept walking, thinking to himself, ‘ _ breathe Jorel, breathe.’ _ He was a block from the apartment, when he felt a hand land on his shoulder, and another came around over his mouth, stifling his startled shriek. He thrashed in the steel grip, struggling to get away.

J shivered when he felt the attacker’s hot breath on his neck, followed by a raspy voice, hissing in his ear,  _ “You’ll do.” _ Do? What the hell did that mean? Jorel struggled helplessly, kicking his feet and screaming in vain, though he couldn’t make much noise with that hand practically crushing his mouth and nose, as the attacker dragged him out of sight. He pulled he behind a dumpster, by that point Jorel couldn’t control the sobs and the horrifying sensation of what was probably his second or third panic attack that day. He hadn’t been able to name it before, but it felt glaringly obvious now. Except this time, all reasons to panic were entirely rational.

This day had started out so incredibly normal. It had sucked just as much as any other day, and yet he hadn’t realized today was his last day alive. He hadn’t even called Johnny, Like he promised. He hadn’t told him he was leaving. He probably didn’t even know he was missing yet. He wasn’t going to know until it was way past too late. Jorel’s heart hurt. It burned in his chest, like it was on fire. ‘ _ Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…’ _

‘ _ Johnny, help.’ _ He kicked and squirmed vainly, as the attacker began yanking at his clothes. A fresh wave of panic and fear kicked in, and Jorel tried to scream, bite,  _ anything _ , to get away. ‘ _ No! No, no, no, no, no!’ _ The attacker tore his shirt, shredded his hoodie, exposing his shoulder and chest. His shoulder lit up in searing agony, and he jerked hard, sobbing and squirming, as that pain bloomed from his shoulder and seemed to shoot all over his body, causing his legs to twitch against his will. His vision went blurry and the attacker’s hand came away from his mouth as he stopped struggling. With his last ounce of strength, and all the breath he could muster, he screamed one word,  _ “HELP!” _ His attacker snarled, lifting him clear off the ground, high up, up, above his head, and, for a moment, Jorel was weightless, unable to register anything, until his body hit something hard, and his head cracked against it with a dull  _ clang! _ His vision went black as he lost consciousness.

  
  
  


It was the frigid morning chill that first hit Jorel. He groaned, opening his eyes, and taking a moment to register that he was staring at a dumpster. He shivered, willing himself to get to his feet. As he pushed himself up to sit on his knees, he looked down at himself, inspecting for damage. He furrowed his brow in confusion as he came to realize there were no wounds. No bruises, no scrapes. He slowly reached up and touched his shoulder, too nervous to look at it. His fingers traced over unfamiliar bumps, causing him to make an audible noise of distress, as his eyes fell to his shoulder, locating the marks he was feeling. He was met with a ring of scabbed over puncture wounds on his skin. He swallowed hard, realizing it was a bite mark. If the crazy bastard had bitten him, what the hell had he done that for? Furthermore, it didn’t look like it had just happened the night before, it looked closer to a week old, or more. He chewed on his lip, then, with shaking fingers, he reached for his bag, tugging out the spare t shirt he kept in there, and shelling off the remnants of his work shirt and his hoodie. He shivered at the lack of warmth on his arms, then picked up his bag again, searching for his phone. He choked on a panicked whimper as he tore through the bag, unable to locate the device. He dropped the bag and started looking all over the ground, heart beating in his throat, and tears threatening to spill over. ‘ _ Where is it, where is it?!’ _ He shook, as his eyes scanned the bits of trash and piles of dead leaves, searching for the damned thing.

Finally, his eyes honed in on a small piece of sleek black glass, glinting in the morning sun, and he scrambled over, digging his phone out of some leaves. He groaned in frustration, staring at the huge crack on the screen, then hit the home button, waking the screen up. His heart sunk. The time read 10:32, and notifications were backed up with missed calls. He unlocked his screen and opened his missed calls. He felt his heart race when he saw that both of his managers had been calling, Vanessa had called, Johnny… Johnny had blown his phone up, his bandmates had been unrelenting. Then he opened his texts. Countless, “where are you?” “Answer your phone!!” “Are you okay?!” He closed out of the application before he dared to open the ones from Johnny. He dialed Johnny’s number and crawled over to sit against the wall as he hit send. Johnny answered on the first ring.

“Jorel!?” He sounded frantic. Jorel felt tears burn his eyes. He was hearing his voice. Just last night, he had been certain he never would again. “Hello?!” He blinked and stuttered, trying to think of something to say.

“Johnny?” He croaked. His throat felt dry and his words seemed to stick.

“Jorel! Where are you?!” Johnny’s voice cracked, but he rambled on, sounding like he was crying as he spoke, “Everyone’s out looking for you, you didn’t come home last night!” Jorel closed his eyes, his lip quivering, as he listened to Johnny’s voice. “Jorel, I was so worried, are you okay? Where are you?!” Jorel dropped his head back against the wall.

“I’m okay, I think,” he whispered. “I-I’m coming home, right now.” Jorel got to his feet, shaking all over, and gathered his bag up.

“What happened, Tell me where you are, I’ll come get you.” Johnny’s voice was music to his ears, Jorel didn’t want to hang up.

“No, I’m,” Jorel squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, catching his breath, “I’m coming home. Just… Be there? When I get home, please?”

“I will, I promise,” Johnny stopped, stumbling over a hiccup, “I’m on my way home right now, I’ll be there. You better be too, understand me?” His voice cracked again, stabbing into Jorel’s heart like a glass shard. He’d never heard Johnny so distraught before. He didn’t like it. He liked it even less, knowing  _ he _ was the cause.

“Yeah.” Jorel whimpered, tossing his bag onto his shoulder and starting to walk home. He hadn’t hung up yet, too petrified that he wouldn’t make it home again. “Johnny?”

“I’m here, what is it?”

“I love you.” He barely choked the words out, and his vision blurred with tears immediately after. He could only just make out Johnny repeating the phrase back to him, over and over, as Jorel felt a deep longing to be in his arms again. He walked faster, not able to hang up, even as he saw his complex come into sight, even when he saw Johnny’s car come into view. He only hung up when he saw Johnny launch out of the driver’s seat, stumbling over himself as he ran at full speed across the lot towards him. Jorel couldn’t think, he let the bag and the phone slip from his hands, and he ran like hell for the only thing he wanted at that very moment.

Throwing himself into Johnny’s arms was enough to crack him like glass. He clung to Johnny’s shirt and bawled into his chest, gasping for breath and trembling like a leaf. Nothing else existed, nothing else mattered, all he could think of was Johnny. Johnny cupped his face in both hands and kissed his tears away, kissed his nose, his eyelids, his forehead, his lips, saying his name between each kiss. He kissed his lips again and wrapped his arms tightly around him once more. Jorel turned his face away and buried it into his chest once more, sobbing with renewed force. They stood there for what seemed like forever, while the world passed around them, and one by one, familiar voices began to pop up and fill the air around them. Bandmates. Asking where he had been, asking if he was okay. He turned his head just enough to peer out and see the blurry forms of his friends around him, and he realized then he was safe. He was home, his friends were there, Johnny was there. With that realization, a heavy exhaustion washed over him, making his body feel like lead. His sobs tapered off to quiet whimpers, his muscles became limp gradually, and he lay against Johnny, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing himself more firmly into his grip. Johnny’s response was to tighten his hold and kiss his head over and over. Jorel felt safe. He hadn’t felt safe all night. He willed himself to wrap his arms around Johnny’s shoulders and haul himself up into his arms, wrapping his legs around his hips. Johnny adjusted to accommodate him and hold him there, taking a few steps back until he was steady.


	4. Denying It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Updating the tags for this chapter. Warning now for rape mentions and STD talk

It wasn’t until hours later, that J became aware that he’d actually dozed off outside. He shot up out of bed, looking around frantically to get his bearings. Work… He was supposed to be at work right now. He covered his face with his hands, dragging them down in frustration. He was just  _ begging _ to be fired at this point. Johnny was nowhere to be found, probably at work.  _ Like he was supposed to be. _ He kicked the blankets off and stepped out of bed. Looking down, he saw he wasn’t wearing his jeans anymore.  _ Oh how thoughtful. _ He thought, feeling the sarcasm deep in his soul. Even though he rolled his eyes, he did appreciate it on some level. Nothing felt worse than sleeping in skinny jeans. He pulled a pair of sweatpants on and wandered out of the bedroom. “Johnny?” He called. He coughed on the dryness in his throat. Was that from crying, or had he been sleeping with his mouth open? When he was met with silence, he wandered down the hall, in search of any signs of life. Nothing. No one was home, except a piece of paper taped to the counter.

_ Had to go into work. I called your boss, you’re fine to stay home today. I’ll be back around 8. -Johnny  _

Jorel smiled some and yanked the paper off the counter. Just as he was about to toss it, he saw there was more written on the back.

_ We should talk about what happened, if you’re up for it. _

“Well shit,” Jorel tossed the paper in the trash. Honestly, if he could remember much more about it, he had a strong doubt he would  _ want _ to talk about it. His mind ran wild with what could have happened after he blacked out. His hand went to his shoulder, seeking out the bite, as if to confirm it was still there. He sighed and bit his lip, willing himself to ignore the uncomfortable knot in his stomach. Jorel turned and walked back to the bedroom, searching for his phone. He didn’t really want to read through all those texts, but he wasn’t about to leave those notifications to harass him all day.

When he sat down and started working through them, he did his best to read as few as possible. It was mostly the same things, like “are you okay?” “What happened?” “Call me.” “We’re worried.” They all struck a similar, painful chord in his chest, but he pointedly ignored it each time. It wasn’t until he got to the long list of texts from Johnny that he really had a hard time controlling the urge to cry. He only got a few messages in, before he gave in and closed it out, ignoring the rest of the messages for now. He knew the voicemails wouldn’t be any easier, but he opened his voicemail and started letting them play. He deleted one message after another, barely listening to their words, mostly just the sounds of their voices. He was alive. That sank in with each moment that passed. He was still alive… He dropped his phone on the bed and hugged his knees tightly, burying his face and breathing in deep.  _ I’m alive… _ He thought it over and over. 

Jorel spent most of the day in the bedroom, ignoring the world outside in favor of laying on the bed. For most of the day, he just curled up on his side and stared at his phone, but along about six, he rolled over and huddled under the covers, burying his face into Johnny’s pillow and breathing in the familiar scent he had come to associate with safety. He closed his eyes, imagining Johnny laying beside him, thinking about Johnny’s arms around him. Johnny… He found his lips forming the shape of his name without any sound to accompany it. They knew it so well, they didn’t need sound to say his name.

  
  
  


Jorel wasn’t aware that he’d fallen asleep until his eyes fluttered open, and he rose to a sitting position, propelled by an indescribable sensation that tickled at the back of his mind. “Johnny,” he whispered to himself. He didn’t know what it was, but it was because of Johnny. He didn’t know how he knew, but he  _ knew. _ Moments passed as he sat perfectly still, listening to the empty apartment.  _ Click. _ Jorel’s body went tense at the sound of the lock turning, followed by the sound of the door creaking away from the silicone seal around the frame. Johnny’s home. He threw the blankets off and walked out of the bedroom to greet him. The moment he saw him, he was overcome with longing. Johnny looked up at him as he pushed the door shut, giving him a tired smile. “Johnny!” Jorel sped across the room, excitement tingling through his body. Johnny barely had time to set his keys down when Jorel leaped into his arms and nuzzled into his neck. “I missed you,” he chanted it over and over, as if once wouldn’t get the point across. His body twitched with restless energy as he held onto Johnny. He could feel a wave of relief wash over him, along with many other emotions. Somehow it all felt unreasonable, he’d only been at work for a few hours… Jorel held onto him tighter, not wanting him to leave again.

“I’m home now, JJ,” Johnny said, keeping one arm tight around him while the other stroked his hair. “How do you feel? Is your shoulder okay?” Jorel stopped, gritting his teeth and closing his eyes to hide his shame.

“You saw that?” He asked softly.

“Yeah.”

“Sorry,” Jorel didn’t know why he felt responsible for the bite. Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t call when he was supposed to.

“It’s gonna be okay, babe.” Johnny’s confidence was soothing, even as Jorel’s mind reeled with ways to blame last night on himself. He shrank into Johnny’s arms, hiding his face.

“I don’t remember what he did to me,” Jorel began rambling, as if he could explain himself and somehow not make Johnny hate him. “He bit me then I hit my head, and I don’t remember anything else, I’m sorry,” Jorel shuddered hard. “I tried to fight him off, I… I thought he was gonna kill me.” Johnny held him tight and hushed him gently.

“Don’t cry, it’s okay,” Jorel hadn’t even realized he was crying, not until he felt hot tears stream down his face. He raised his head to look at Johnny, sighing when Johnny kissed his face. He still loved him. He hadn’t done something so bad that Johnny would hate him. He still loved him…

“Johnny,” Jorel whispered his name. Repeated it again, then tilted his head and kissed him. “Johnny, Johnny” he said it again and again, as if he thought he’d never have another chance. Johnny reciprocated every kiss, sighing and tracing his body with his hands. Jorel pushed him back against the door. He used his full strength, knowing he couldn’t make Johnny move easily, and Johnny had always liked being difficult for him. He hadn’t anticipated to hear Johnny hit the door so hard, nor did he expect to hear the wood groan like it was on the verge of splintering. Johnny coughed and groaned in pain, shaking and squeezing Jorel’s arms as he got his breath back. “Holy shit, are you okay?” Jorel pulled back and stared at his face, baffled at his own strength.

“Jesus,” Johnny rasped. “Where did  _ that _ come from?” Jorel couldn’t say. He didn’t  _ know. _ He shrugged his shoulders, offering a soft, apologetic kiss on his collarbone. Johnny let out a shaky laugh. “God JJ, did you get bit by radioactive Superman?” Jorel frowned at him.

“Too soon,” he mumbled. Johnny frowned some.

“Sorry, baby,” Johnny answered. They stayed where they were, leaning against the wall for a few minutes, until Johnny grunted and hoisted Jorel into his arms. Jorel didn’t complain, just wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Johnny went and sat on the couch, holding Jorel on his lap and switching on the tv. After half an hour of silence, Johnny finally spoke up, “JJ, I think it might be a good idea to go to the hospital.” Jorel looked up at him for a moment.

“I’m fine, Johnny.” He said nonchalantly. “I don’t need a hospital.”

“Jorel, you got bit by some crazy bastard on the street and,” he paused. “What else do you think he could have done, huh?”

“Don’t.” Jorel grit his teeth, looking down.  _ “Don’t _ even suggest it.”

“Jorel,” Johnny started, but Jorel shot off his lap, stepping away.

“Why do you wanna know so bad? If he…  _ Did _ that?” Jorel wrapped his arms around his chest, staring him down. Johnny rose to his feet, eyes filled with… with… Jorel didn’t want to name it. He didn’t like it. He felt pathetic.

“Jorel, baby, I--.”

“Would you be disgusted?” Jorel cut him off and glared at him. He inhaled, forcing back tears. He was angry at Johnny, angry at his attacker… Angry at himself. Ashamed of himself.

“No!” Johnny stepped closer to him, reaching for him, though Jorel shied away. “No, God no! Jorel, I don’t  _ care _ about that, I care about  _ you!” _ Johnny reached for him again. Jorel felt his fingers going numb. His arms tingled. He felt trapped and scared… He didn’t feel safe, he needed out.

“You’re lying,” Jorel barely whispered. Johnny stopped where he was, not speaking or moving. Jorel turned away from him and walked to the bedroom, tears burning his eyes. Johnny didn’t follow.

Jorel slammed the door and fell onto the bed, body wracked with a loud sob. He was so ashamed. He didn’t want to consider it happened, he didn’t want to think of being hurt like that. He didn’t want… He didn’t want  _ this. _ He didn’t want Johnny to leave him. He knew Johnny would leave him for this. Anyone would. He wasn’t loveable already, but this was just worse. He hugged himself tight, not bothering to fight off the urge to cry. He was so  _ tired _ . Several minutes passed, and he heard a soft knock on the door. He said nothing, just grabbed his pillow and hugged it as tight as he could, burying his face into it. The door slowly pushed open, and Jorel heard Johnny’s footsteps across the room. The bed sank behind him as Johnny crawled onto it. Jorel continued to cry into the pillow, ignoring Johnny. He didn’t react when Johnny put an arm around him. He didn’t care. He didn’t want to talk about it.

Johnny didn’t speak. Neither of them did. Jorel could hear a faint, rhythmic beat from behind him. It drew his attention, making him tilt his head back and turn to the side a little. When he did, the sound became more prominent. Jorel longed to press his head right against the source. He released the pillow and rolled over in Johnny’s grip. Realizing that sound was Johnny’s heartbeat, Jorel pressed his ear to his chest, closing his eyes and listening to it, like it was a soothing melody. His sobs calmed to gentle whimpering in a matter of minutes, as he listened to that rhythmic  _ thu-thud thu-thud _ . The two lay still for what seemed like hours, before Johnny finally spoke, his voice barely above a whisper, “I didn’t tell you something, when we got together.” When he spoke, Jorel could hear his heart rate speed up noticeably. He didn’t answer, just listened. “When I was a teenager, I was raped.” Jorel felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. “I snuck out one night with my brother, went to a party. I drank way more than I should have and passed out.” Johnny took a shaky breath before continuing. “When I woke up, this guy was on top of me. He had me pinned down. My head hurt too much, I couldn’t make myself cry for help or tell him to stop. I just… laid there.” Johnny squeezed Jorel closer and Jorel in turn hugged him as tightly as he could. “Anyway… When he was done he just… got up and left. Like nothing happened. My brother’s the one that found me. I… Couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell anyone.” Johnny’s heart pounded so hard. Jorel didn’t know why, but he could  _ smell _ something on Johnny. Something he wasn’t used to being there. Something that didn’t belong. “I was embarrassed. My brother never asked after that night, but… But I knew he knew. Everytime he looked at me or hugged me, I could tell. I,” Johnny’s body shook, and Jorel was overwhelmed with a horrible feeling deep in his gut. Just then, he could place a word to that smell that permeated the space between them.  _ Panic. _ Jorel whined audibly and raised his head from Johnny’s chest, seeing the pain written all over his face. He cupped his cheeks in both hands and kissed him. He couldn’t decide what else to do, so he kissed him. Silenced him and stroked his jaw, pulling back only so he could rest his forehead against him.

Johnny closed his eyes. “I couldn’t be disgusted with you, JJ.” Johnny choked on his words. “I… I don’t blame you. No matter what happened… He… It wasn’t your fault…” Jorel could feel that, while those words were aimed at him, they were meant for Johnny as well. Jorel seemed to sense that Johnny was scared, just like he was. He wrapped his arms around Johnny and kissed him softly.

“Thank you, Johnny…” He whispered. Johnny’s heart skipped a beat, causing Jorel’s lips to tip up in a small smile.

“I love you, JJ,” Johnny mumbled. “I don’t wanna leave you.”

“I love you too.” 

“I,” Johnny closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again and looked him in the eyes, “I really think you should go to the hospital. Not just for that, but” he paused, studying Jorel’s face, testing the waters. “But also that bite. What if he gave you something.” Jorel swallowed and nodded slowly. He tried to hide his growing shame, though he was certain it was evident by how his face was turning red. “I just wanna make sure you’re not sick. I don’t wanna know what some creep was carrying, and I certainly don’t want him giving it to you.” Jorel nodded again, wishing he would stop.

“Okay,” he whispered. “Okay fine,” he surrendered, sensing a tension release from Johnny’s shoulders. “But, just… Not tonight.” He said.

“Tomorrow morning, then.” Johnny offered. Jorel nodded again and reached for his hand, lacing their fingers.

Jorel realized he hadn’t showered since the day before, and while he felt disgusting, he didn’t want to get up. He just squeezed Johnny’s hand and stayed where he was, safe in his arms. The thought of tomorrow stressed him out. He worked tomorrow. He’d already missed today, if he missed tomorrow, they might fire him. He was too tired to worry about this, but he couldn’t stop. His bottom lip trembled as the panic set back in.  _ Not this. Not now. _ He pleaded with himself, begging his brain to calm down, to no avail. In seconds, tears were flowing freely and he was trembling all over, whimpering and sobbing helplessly. Johnny grabbed his face in both hands, saying his name and wiping the tears away. Jorel was sure he heard him ask what was wrong at some point, but he couldn’t be sure, it was hard to hear at all. It took a few minutes of Johnny talking to him before he could start to calm down. He’d had too many of these panic attacks recently, it was starting to wear him down. “I’m sorry,” he stammered. Johnny studied his face, concerned.

“It’s okay,” he finally said. “It’s getting late, lemme change and we can go to bed.” Johnny smiled softly, “we ain’t gone to bed at the same time in a while, huh.” Jorel shook his head.

“No… I guess not.” He realized then, no they hadn’t. It’d been nearly a month. Ever since he started working at the gas station, one of them was always working a late shift, so by the time they got home, the other was already fast asleep. “Hurry up, I’m tired.” Jorel teased, shoving Johnny playfully. He rolled off the bed, pulling his shirt up over his head as he went. Jorel smiled at his body. Soft and chubby… He was pretty. Jorel admired him as he stripped down and threw his clothes into the dirty laundry. He skipped any pajamas, as usual, and walked back to the bed. Jorel chose to slide off the bed before Johnny could get him into his arms.

“What’re you doin’?” Johnny asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well,” Jorel grabbed his shirt by the collar at the back of his neck and tugged it up over his head. “I’ve been wearing these all day, I don’t feel like sleeping in them.” He tossed his shirt and his sweatpants aside, then turned and searched a drawer for a clean t shirt. He turned back and climbed into the bed beside him after tugging the shirt on. “And since you’re not wearing pants,” Jorel snuck his leg over and rubbed his foot against Johnny’s calf, “I didn’t want to either. I like you in less clothes.” Johnny laughed and reached to turn the lamp off, turning back over and wrapping his arms around him.

“Goodnight, baby,” he purred against his forehead. Jorel smiled.

“Goodnight.”


	5. Visit

Jorel was awoken the next morning by something tickling his nose. He turned his head into the pillow, groaning softly. The tickling persisted on his cheek, causing him to open his eyes with a frustrated huff. He looked over to the source of the tickling to find Johnny peering at him over the corner of the bed. “Time to get up, sleepyhead.” Johnny whispered, smiling. Jorel reached over and shoved him away by the face. “Urfh!” Johnny rolled backwards onto the floor, laying flat out. “Aaaagh,” he whined. Jorel looked at him with his face half buried in his pillow, grinning tiredly.

“Let me sleep,” he said.

Johnny got up off the floor and came back over to him, crawling on his hands and knees. “Baby, no, we gotta go, I called off of work for this.” Jorel’s eyes went round with realization.  _ Work. _

He pushed himself onto his hands and knees, looking around for his phone frantically. “Oh shit, oh shit!” He had missed two days of work, he was  _ dead. _ “Work, fuck, I’m gonna be fired for this!”

Johnny climbed up and sat on the edge of the bed, placing a calming hand on his shoulder, “don’t worry, I called your manager and let her know I was taking you to the hospital.” Jorel’s shoulders slumped.

“She didn’t say she was going to fire me, did she?” He asked.

“Nah, she was cool about it. This is the same one you bitch about all the time, right? She seemed a lot nicer than you say she is.”

Jorel gave him the most exhausted look. “Oh, you haven’t seen the real her, Johnny.”

Johnny laughed, “I believe it. Managers are deceptively good at being nice until you work for them.” Jorel smiled and looked down at the mattress, swallowing a lump in his throat. The hospital. They were going to the hospital today, and he wasn’t looking forward to it. “Babe, get dressed. I called ahead and they said to get the clothes you were wearin’ that night and not to shower.” Jorel said nothing, just crawled closer and leaned heavily on Johnny’s shoulder. Johnny wrapped his arm around him, sighing softly. “It’s gonna be okay, JJ.” He reassured.

“What if I come back with some deadly disease, will you still love me?” Jorel’s tone was joking, but the fear sank deep into his heart.

“Of course I will, baby, you’re the only one in the world for me,” Johnny kissed his forehead gently. “Let’s hurry up though, the lady on the phone sounded like one of those perpetually angry nurses.” He was joking, but Jorel didn’t laugh. He just slid off the bed and walked to put on fresh clothes. He looked down and happened to realize then that he hadn’t changed his underwear in two days. He cringed and grabbed a fresh pair before walking to the bathroom.

When he came back out, Johnny was waiting for him, holding out a cup of coffee and grinning brightly. “Black and two sugars, right?” Jorel laughed and took the coffee.

“How long have we been dating, and you still have to ask?” Jorel asked as he went to take a sip. The moment the stuff touched his tongue, he nearly spit it out.

“What? Did I make it wrong?” Johnny furrowed his brow in confusion.

“No, I just,” Jorel wiped at his mouth and stared into the cup, confused, “I don’t know. It… tasted funny.” The tingling sensation left on his tongue was enough to make him walk to the kitchen and dump it down the sink.

Johnny came in behind him and watched him wander around the kitchen as he set to work remaking the coffee. Black with two teaspoons of sugar. He stirred it up and took a small sip. That time he nearly dropped the cup when he spit it back out. “What the  _ fuck? _ ” He cursed under his breath. Johnny watched him, eyebrows raised. “What kind of coffee is this?” He asked, dumping the cup into the sink and turning to look at Johnny.

“Same stuff as always. Same bag from yesterday.” Johnny pushed off the wall and walked closer, touching his forehead. “What’s wrong with it?”

“It hurts.” Jorel couldn’t think of a better way to describe it.

“Hurts?” Johnny blinked, studying his face.

“I don’t know it just, I didn’t like it. It made my tongue hurt like,” he grappled for a way to describe that feeling. “Like… I don’t  _ know!” _

“Okay, okay, no more coffee then.” Johnny said, then rested his hands on his shoulders. “Do you want anything else, then?”

Jorel shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. Peanut butter sandwich?” That actually sounded way better than coffee.

Johnny made a face, “I thought you hated peanut butter.”

“Well I changed my mind.” He said stubbornly, and sidestepped Johnny to grab the peanut butter out of the cabinet. Johnny turned and watched him as he slapped a thick layer of peanut butter onto some bread and wolfed it down in three bites.

“Jesus, dude, slow down before you choke yourself!” Johnny gaped at him as Jorel swallowed the last of the sandwich. It was probably the best thing he’d ever had in his life.

“Why did I say I hated peanut butter, that was such a  _ lie. _ ” He reached for more bread and repeated the process, Johnny staring at him in blatant shock. He had eaten two more sandwiches packed with peanut butter, before discarding the bread entirely and eating the thick pasty goodness with a spoon.

“JJ, what the hell!” Johnny finally shook himself from his daze and snagged the jar away from him. “Holy shit man, you’re gonna make yourself sick!” Jorel stared him down, mouth full of peanut butter. He worked the stuff off his teeth and the roof of his mouth, swallowing it down before reaching for the jar, lips curled back in a snarl.

“Give it back!” Johnny held it out of reach, holding his other arm up to keep him at bay.

“Hold on a second-” Johnny’s words cut off abruptly as Jorel grabbed onto his arm, the one he was defending himself and the peanut butter with, and held on with all his strength.

_ “Give it back or I swear to god I’ll tear your arm off.” _ Jorel was almost shocked at how much he meant it. Johnny watched him, eyes wide, filled with a mix of confusion and something close to fear. Jorel could smell something strange from Johnny’s direction, but he was too focused on his goal to care. “I’m dead serious, Johnny!” He squeezed harder to emphasize his point, only to be met with a pained wince.

“AH!” He yelped, stance crumpling, and shoved the peanut butter at him. “Okay! Okay, here!” Jorel let go of his arm and snagged the jar back. Johnny staggered away, leaning against the counter and cradling his arm. Jorel watched him for a moment, agitation slowly fading as he calmed down.

“Johnny?” He set the jar on the counter and stepped closer, reaching out to pull Johnny’s hand away from where he was covering his arm. He gasped in horror when he saw a bright red handprint on his skin, already starting to turn purple in the very middle.  _ “Jesus Christ.” _ He stared in disbelief.  _ ‘Holy shit, I didn’t do that, did I?’ _ He thought. His eyes met Johnny’s and he seemed just as bewildered. A silence descended between them. Jorel became acutely aware that he couldn’t just  _ read _ Johnny’s emotions on his face, but he was  _ smelling _ them too. Fear… Confusion… Pain… Anger. He was angry. Jorel felt guilt growing in his gut. “I,” he stammered. “I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.” Johnny’s expression morphed into that tight lipped scowl that meant he was ready to fight. Jorel’s heart raced… Was he going to hit him? He’d never hit him before, but that look made Jorel think he was about to. He took a step back, arms pressed to his sides, hoping he wouldn’t lash out. “Are you okay? I’m sorry.” He ducked his head and wrapped his arms around himself, cowering. He’d never cowered before. He’d never cowered to  _ Johnny _ before. He’d never been afraid of him or felt so guilty.

“‘M fine,” Johnny said coldly, then turned and grabbed his keys. “We better go.” Jorel looked up and saw that he was heading for the door. “Don’t forget the clothes, I’ll be in the car.” Then he was gone.

Jorel stood in the silence for several seconds, struggling to process what had just happened. He stared down at his hands, then at the peanut butter. He felt his mouth water as he stared at the stuff, but his appetite was lost to an immense guilt. Had he really just threatened Johnny over  _ peanut butter? _ He swallowed hard then reached for the cap and closed the jar, putting it back in the cabinet. He walked into the bedroom and gathered his clothes back up. He hesitated before grabbing the shredded remains of his hoodie and his work shirt. Just looking at them made his gut wrench. This was his band hoodie. From the Swan Songs days. It’d been a gift from Aron, from after their first big concert. Aron had gone to a vendor and bought one for everyone in the band, so they could have a matching set. Jorel was the only one that still wore his.

Aron… He hadn’t thought about him for a long time. It’d been years since Swan Songs. Years since the falling out. He squeezed the shredded remains of the fabric in his fist, biting back an inexplicable wave of tears. He missed those days, he realized. He missed Aron who, for some reason, he  _ still _ wanted to call his best friend. But there was no way to patch up a fight  _ this _ big. Not after all the boundaries everyone had crossed, or all the insults that had flown around. He stuffed the clothes into a bag and tied it shut so tightly, he nearly tore the plastic. He shoved Aron out of his mind and walked out of the apartment, hurrying to the car. Johnny was sitting in the driver’s seat, staring straight ahead in a brooding silence. Jorel’s shoulders slumped with guilt. “Sorry,” he barely whispered.

Johnny let out a long, heavy sigh. “It’s okay,” he finally said and started the car. The ride to the hospital was silent and full of tension. Jorel knew he’d caused it. He wasn’t sure how else to apologize, so he merely sat there, accepting his fate. Johnny parked near the back of the lot and got out without a word. Jorel remained where he was, staring at the floorboard. He jolted when he heard a soft tap on his window, his head jerking up to see Johnny standing there and staring at him through the glass. The cold expression was gone, replaced by the same gentle concern he’d had that morning. Jorel cracked the door open and waited for Johnny to move before he pushed it open and stepped out, eyes on the ground. “Hey,” Johnny sounded calmer than before. “I’m sorry about getting mad. I know this has to be a lot to handle right now.” He reached out and touched his hand to J’s arm. “After this, we should go home and watch some movies, huh?” Jorel glanced up at him and shrugged his shoulders some.

“Sure,” he said flatly. Johnny sighed heavily and took his hand as they walked across the lot and into the building, silent. Jorel checked out mentally, while Johnny went to the nurse at the front to sign him in. They sat down and waited in silence. The room was mostly deserted, save a middle aged woman reading a magazine, and a man, who looked severely sleep deprived, sitting in a corner texting away on his phone. Jorel shivered faintly. He hated this place already. He didn’t want to stay long. It took a few minutes for a nurse to come back and say his name. Johnny reached over and squeezed his hand for a moment. Jorel looked up to his face, fear written in his expression. Johnny held his hand tighter and nodded to him. Jorel sighed and stood up.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Johnny offered, halfway out of his chair already. Jorel shook his head and smiled. He followed the nurse with his head down. It felt like everyone was watching him. Part of him wished Johnny was behind him, but what was left of his pride didn’t seem to want that. He clenched his jaw and held the bag of clothing tight in his grip. The nurse showed him into a room. Jorel paused in the doorway, staring at the paper covered bench and equipment lined up neatly in sterilized bags. He inhaled deeply, then walked inside.


	6. I'm running out of chapter names send help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a day late, I was out of the house yesterday, happy belated turkey day guys.

Johnny stared at his arm as he waited, leg bouncing impatiently. Half an hour had passed since Jorel had left, and it was silent in the waiting room. The other two people had left, and the only other people had been a few in and out, interspersed here and there. He traced the darkening bruise on his arm, following the print of the fingers, and the palm shape. His mind reeled as he tried to process how Jorel, who could barely lift 90 pounds, could do  _ this _ with one hand. He’d been joking the day before when he said “radioactive Superman” but for some reason, his mind toyed with the idea that it was possible. He shook the thought off and pulled his phone out.  _ ‘No way,’ _ he thought.  _ ‘Fuckin’ stupid.’ _ He started playing a game to make the time go faster. Suddenly a text popped up from Charlie, causing him to pause the game and open it.

_ “You get J to go to the hospital?” _ It read. Johnny typed a quick yes and kept playing.  _ “So what’s up? Is he okay?” _ Came the reply, only a few seconds later. Johnny sighed in annoyance and closed out of the game entirely.

_ “I don’t know yet, Charlie. They went back a while ago, this shit doesn’t go by quickly.” _

_ “Yikes.” _

_ “I know.” _ Johnny stared at his arm for a moment, then sent another text.  _ “Wyd right now? I need to talk.” _

_ “I was playing the guitar earlier. Nothing right now. You mean call?” _

_ “Yeah, I mean call.” _ Johnny stood up and walked over to the nurse at the desk. “If the guy I came in with comes out any time soon, let him know I’m outside and I’ll be right back in?” The nurse nodded and looked back to her computer as Johnny turned and walked out, then started down the walkway towards a smoking area.

_ “Sure thing dude.” _ Charlie’s response had come seconds after Johnny had sent his, but he didn’t bother opening it until he was halfway down the sidewalk. He dialed Charlie’s number and pulled a cigarette out to light it, while he waited for Charlie to pick up.

_ “Yo, Johnny.” _ Charlie’s voice came through on the second ring. Johnny took a drag of the cigarette.

“Hey, man.” He answered as he sat down on a bench, ignoring the chill in the air.

_ “So what’s up?” _ Charlie asked.

Johnny hesitated for a second, staring at his arm and thinking of how to phrase it. “There’s something weird going on with JJ.” He finally said.

_ “No shit.” _ Charlie’s response was immediate and sarcastic. Johnny rolled his eyes.  _ “Dude got attacked on his way home, I’d be messed up too.” _

“No, I mean there’s something way off.” Johnny tried to elaborate, “Like he’s not normal Jorel at all.”

_ “Johnny, he got _ jumped.  _ Of course he’s not normal Jorel.” _ Johnny squeezed the bridge of his nose, growing exasperated at his inability to describe what he meant.

“Charlie, he attacked me this morning.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say. The line went silent for a few seconds.

_ “What do you mean?” _ Charlie finally asked, voice cautious.

“Okay, so you know how much he loves his coffee, right?”

_ “Yeah?” _

“And he hates peanut butter, right?”

_ “... Where is this going?” _ Charlie was starting to grate on his nerves a little.

“This morning, I made him some coffee, exactly the same way he does it every morning. Exact same bag of coffee, same sugar, hell even his favorite mug. He spit it out like it was poison, man. And then he made it again, and he gagged.”

_ “That’s kinda weird.” _

“Yeah, no shit. So when I asked him what was wrong with it, he said it hurt.” Johnny paused to take a smoke while Charlie responded.

_ “Hurt how? Like it was too hot?” _ Charlie sounded as lost as he did.

“I don’t know, he didn’t say. Then he ate, like,  _ three _ sandwiches with more peanut butter on them than even I use. He hates peanut butter. Always has.”

_ “Yeah, I know, he bitches about it all the time.” _

“Well, three sandwiches later, and he tries to just eat the whole jar. Dude, he nearly broke my arm when I took it away from him.” Charlie laughed. “No, you don’t understand. I’m not kidding, he left a black handprint on my  _ arm _ .” Charlie’s laughter wavered for a moment.

_ “You’re kidding, right? Dude can barely lift weights over his head.” _

“That’s what I thought, but he destroyed my arm. It’s still throbbing.” Charlie went silent for a few minutes, then laughed again, though this time it was almost nervous.

_ “I seriously doubt that, Johnny. Are you fucking with me?” _

“NO, I’M NOT FUCKING WITH YOU, IDIOT, I’M FLIPPING MY  _ SHIT _ RIGHT NOW!” Johnny yelled, shaking with fury.

_ “Okay, Jesus Christ, calm down.” _

“I’m telling you, something’s going on with him, I don’t know what happened the other day, but,” Johnny stopped suddenly, a lump forming in his throat. “He’s… different. There’s something wrong, and I don’t know what to  _ do _ , Charlie.”

_ “Hey. The hospital’s a damn good place to start. If the whackjob that took a bite out of his shoulder gave him anything, you’ll catch it a lot sooner this way. Whatever’s going on, I’m sure it’ll sort itself out in a few days.” _ Johnny shook his head, his cigarette was the only thing keeping his hands from shaking at that moment.

“Yeah, maybe,” Johnny muttered. The line was quiet for a moment. “This is my fault.” Johnny hadn’t realized he’d said it out loud, until Charlie started talking.

_ “Johnny. No it’s not.” _

“Charlie, I let him go, I should have picked him up. I fell asleep on the couch and didn’t bother to pick him up.”

_ “Johnny, that’s bull.” _

“I could have been waiting at the bus stop, or something, man. I could have at  _ least _ done that. But I just decided to fall asleep and he got hurt.” Johnny choked back a sob and wiped at his eyes furiously. He’d cried enough the past two days. He’d done more crying that morning than he had in years. When he’d jolted awake, sometime around 6 am, when the sun was just peering through the window and hit him full force in the face. He remembered sitting up and looking at his phone for the time. No missed calls or texts from Jorel. He’d gotten up to check the bedroom, and found it empty. He’d spent the next half hour frantically calling and texting J, until his only option was to dial Charlie, in tears, blubbering about how he couldn’t find Jorel anywhere and he hadn’t come home that night. He’d cried all that morning off and on while he’d been driving all over the city, checking anywhere he could think of to find him.

_ “Johnny, stop it.”  _ Charlie’s voice drew him from his memory. He realized was shaking, and he quickly smoked the last of the cigarette to steady himself, before he dropped it and stamped it out.  _ “Johnny, don’t you dare start shutting down right now. Jorel needs you. Don’t start blaming yourself because some bastard attacked him. He’s been stubborn about you giving him a ride since his car broke down, right?” _

“Yeah.”

_ “Exactly. Ain’t your fault. He would have refused the ride anyway, knowing him.” _ He had a point. If he’d gone to pick him up, odds were there would have been a full blown pissing match. But he would have been safe…

“Charlie, what if he doesn’t recover?”

_ “Then we stick with him.” _ Charlie sounded so certain. It eased Johnny’s mind a little.

“I should probably go, Charlie. I’ll need to check on him soon.”

_ “Shit, right. How long has he been in there, anyway? What all are they checking for, do you know?” _

“No, I don’t have a clue. Probably HIV for that bite. Couple a’ other STDs.”

_ “STDs? From a bite?” _

“Well, if he assaulted him, there’s always the risk.”

_ “Johnny, what? Do you guys think he might have,” _ Charlie trailed off. Johnny closed his eyes and sighed softly. He probably shouldn’t have said anything, but this was Charlie.

“Don’t tell anyone else, yet. We aren’t for certain. But he blacked out, so he doesn’t even know. That’s why it’s takin’ so long.” Johnny explained as vaguely as he could.

_ “I won’t tell anyone.” _

“I’m serious, Charlie.” He felt a wave of defensiveness. He didn’t know why. This was  _ Charlie _ . Charlie didn’t tell anything he wasn’t supposed to.

_ “Oh, my God, I said I won’t tell anyone, Johnny.” _

“JJ’s real embarrassed about it. He didn’t even want to bring it up, and when we did, he got pissed…” Johnny rubbed at his forehead, remembering the argument the night before. “He thought I’d hate him, Charlie… He thought I could hate him if some son of a bitch r…” He stopped right there, not wanting to finish the sentence.

_ “Johnny,”  _ Charlie’s voice was oddly soothing.  _ “He already knows, though, doesn’t he? I mean, you told him about what happened, right?” _

“He does now.” Johnny confessed. “I told him last night.”

_ “Shit man, you still hadn’t told him?”  _

“No! What, am I supposed to give him a full length novel about my entire life?”

_ “Johnny, chill. I didn’t mean it like that.” _

Johnny sighed loudly, hands trembling. “Sorry. I’m just stressed out.” He tugged his beanie off and raked his fingers through his hair, then tucked the hat into his pocket.

_ “Yeah, I can tell.” _ Johnny heard Charlie shuffling around faintly.

“I gotta go.” Johnny said. “I’ll call you when he’s out.”

_ “Okay. Good luck, man.” _

“Thanks.” Johnny hung up after that, tucking his phone into his pocket and pulling his hat back out to put it back on, before walking back up the walkway to the door.

When he entered the waiting room again, it was as empty as he’d left it. He just sat back down where he had been before, and stared at the wall, waiting. He figured it’d be a while, but he didn’t care.

  
  
  


Two hours later, Johnny looked up to see Jorel walking out, arms around himself as he shivered at the cold. Johnny rose from his spot, heart sinking. “How’d it go?” Jorel glanced up at him, looking drained. Johnny knew then, Jorel didn’t have to open his mouth. He pulled him into a hug, pressing his lips to his forehead. Jorel’s body shook in his grip, causing Johnny to look down at him. He remembered that Jorel hadn’t brought a jacket, and he stepped back slowly to tug his hoodie over his head and offer it to him. Jorel took it and pulled it over his head, wrapping his arms around himself again.

“Thanks,” he muttered. Johnny kissed his forehead again, taking his hand.

“Is there anything else?” Jorel shook his head.

“They said they’d have some tests in by the end of the week.” Johnny squeezed his hand and laced their fingers, leading him to the front desk to check him out. Jorel hung onto his arm, eyes cast to the floor, frozen fingers tracing his bicep.

Once they’d finished, Johnny led him outside, barely feeling the cold. They walked to the car in silence, fingers laced, holding tight to each other’s hand. In the car, Johnny turned it on and got the heat going, waiting for it to warm up. “That was a long wait, huh?” He tried, after watching Jorel stare at the floor and fidget with his shoelace absently. Jorel nodded slowly, though Johnny could tell his mind was far away. “When those tests come back, they’re gonna be negative, and if not, we’ll get it taken care of, okay?” He reached over and brushed his knuckles against his cheek softly, “hey.” Jorel looked up at him, and Johnny smiled warmly at him. “I love you, JJ.” Jorel smiled weakly and reached up to hold his hand.

“I love you too Johnny,” Jorel mumbled, squeezing his hand. Johnny leaned over and tugged him close enough that he could kiss his forehead then press his own to the spot he’d just kissed.

“It’s gonna be okay, I promise.” He said. Jorel nodded, reaching to hold his other hand tightly. Johnny’s hands were warm compared to Jorel’s, whose skin felt both cold and dry.

“Can we go home now?” Jorel asked. Johnny nodded and released his hand so he could put the car in gear and get out of the lot. Johnny took a deep breath, thinking to himself,  _ ‘it’s gonna be okay.’ _


	7. Titles are hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOW I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE. I'm suffering serious writer's block and don't want to get everything up and then run out of steam, so I'm adding this chapter now, and it may be the last one for a few more months while I try to play catch up for all the time I've lost.

The first thing Jorel did when he got home was shower. He wasn’t ready to wait another moment, he was sick of feeling covered in grit. After confirming what he’d been vehemently trying to deny, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was covered in filth. He turned the heat all the way up on the water and barely flinched when it hit his skin. He scrubbed down three or four times, until his skin started to hurt from all the violent rubbing of the washcloth on his skin. He tried to forget the events from the hospital. He could still faintly hear the doctor confirming what he didn’t want to hear. He remembered fighting back the urge to start yelling at her when she had said it was  _ exactly _ that. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to the freezing cold tile on the shower wall, letting the steam rise up into his already warm face. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been in there, but eventually there was a knock on the door. He lifted his head off the wall, turning to look in the direction of the door. He couldn’t see anything with the shower curtain in the way, but he looked nonetheless.

“I’ll be done in a minute,” he said, then grabbed the soap for one more quick scrub down.

Johnny’s voice was muffled by the door, “you okay in there?”

“Yeah, just give me a minute.” Jorel finished and stood under the boiling hot stream for a few more seconds before turning it off and stepping out into the steaming bathroom. The mirror had been completely fogged over, which Jorel wasn’t too upset about, considering he really didn’t want to see himself in it. He grabbed a towel and dried himself off before wrapping it around his waist and taking a moment to brush his teeth. He knew he was procrastinating walking out of the bathroom, but he wouldn’t admit it. He was just going to live in the steamed up bathroom until every bad thing went away. After a few minutes, there was another, much quieter, knock at the door.

“Baby?”

“I’ll be out in a  _ minute!”  _ Jorel snapped at the door, nearly dropping the toothbrush. He was met with silence. He sighed heavily and rinsed his brush off, not seeming to care about the uncomfortable tingle on his gums from having been brushed so long. He slowly stepped out, prepared for Johnny to descend on him, only to find he had gone away. Jorel felt a wave of guilt for snapping, but it was drowned by the relief of not worrying about being bothered right that moment. He walked to the bedroom to get dressed, taking the alone time to gather his thoughts. He didn’t even know how he was going to begin to explain what he was feeling to Johnny. He felt like he had to, but he just didn’t know how. A t shirt and some sweatpants later, Jorel found himself walking into the livingroom to find Johnny sitting there eating a sandwich. Jorel’s stomach growled at the sight of it.

Johnny, seemingly reading his mind, motioned to the kitchen, “I made you one with extra peanut butter. It’s on the counter.” Jorel beelined for the kitchen, snagging the sandwich up. Johnny wasn’t kidding about extra peanut butter, the bread rose up in the middle from the amount of filling. Jorel grinned and took a bite of it, then carried it back to the living room and sat on the couch near Johnny. The two ate in silence while a crime show played as background noise. Jorel didn’t pay much attention to it, more focused on the snack he was devouring at that moment. Once he’d finished the thing, he stretched his arms above his head and glanced over at Johnny, who was finished long before him and now was leaning back with his arms up over the back of the couch. His lap was perfectly exposed, giving Jorel a sudden urge to curl up on the vacant space. He slid closer and laid down, resting his upper half on his lap. Johnny said nothing in response, merely placed his hand on his head and pet his hair gently. Jorel let his gaze shift to Johnny’s arm, resting on the back of the couch, eyes falling on the dark blue handprint shaped bruise there. He felt his stomach twist with guilt and horror at his own strength. What had he done?

He didn’t realize he’d moved, until Johnny’s voice interrupted his thoughts, “whatcha doin’?” He asked. Jorel reached for his arm and pulled it off the couch, holding it in front of him and tracing the mark with his fingers. “Oh,” Johnny mumbled, “yeah, it’s okay, it doesn’t hurt anymore.” Jorel knew he was lying, he could feel him flinch when he touched it. He pressed his lips to his skin and laced their fingers.

“I’m sorry, Johnny,” he meant it. Johnny gently pulled his arm away and let it drape behind the couch, out of sight.

“It’s fine, JJ.” He put his other arm around his waist and pulled him down against his chest. “It’s completely fine,” his voice was soft and gentle as he spoke, then he kissed Jorel’s forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jorel reached for his arm again, “gimme your hand, mine is cold.” He said cold, but he meant touch starved, as if he hadn’t been glued to his boyfriend most of the day.

“Cold? You’re baking hot, J.” Johnny called his lie out as he lifted his arm and placed his hand in Jorel’s. “You showered with the water too hot, your skin’s red.” Johnny observed, as if he’d only just noticed.

“I know,” Jorel whispered as he brought Johnny’s hand to his face and nuzzled his mouth against his knuckles. “It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt.”

“It’s not a good idea to do that, babe, you’ll burn yourself.” Johnny said.

“Duh,” Jorel snorted, “its hot water, genius.”

Johnny’s laugh made Jorel’s heart hammer against his ribcage, “shut up!” Jorel smiled against his fingers and pressed himself firmly into Johnny’s chest. At that moment, Jorel was aware of the flame between them. The warm glow that he felt when he was close to Johnny. He still loved him as much as he had when they hooked up. He still loved him as much as he did that day almost two years ago. It felt good to love someone so much. Jorel’s mind drifted back in his memories, focusing on that time when they’d first gotten together. His smile grew into a goofy grin and he turned his face into Johnny’s shoulder, stifling the urge to giggle.

 

_ ‘Jorel…’ _ He could hear Johnny whispering his name as if it were happening all over again.  _ ‘Jorel…’ _ With his eyes shut tight and his face in Johnny’s neck, he could almost feel the heat from the night air and the cold railing against his palms.  _ ‘Jorel…’ _ The city buzzing below them, the large hand pressed against the small of his back, keeping him from falling backwards, and Johnny… He could almost see his eyes and that giddy little grin on his face.  _ ‘Jorel…’ _ He kept hearing that instant over and over… Johnny whispering his name, his heart hammering out of his chest, just before… Just before he… “Jorel?” Jorel flinched at the tone of Johnny’s voice. Not that soft whisper, but a louder and more inquisitive tone. “What ya doin’ there?” Jorel couldn’t stop the small giggle that time.

 

“Remember the first time we banged while sober?” Jorel said bluntly, raising his head from Johnny’s shoulder and watching his face for that blush that  _ always _ happened when he mentioned it.

“Yes,” there it was. Johnny’s cheeks turned red and he gave a tight lipped smile as he tried to hide how he was avoiding Jorel’s gaze.

“You were so  _ shy,” _ Jorel teased.

“I know, I was there, JJ.” He pouted his lip and turned his head away. “Don’t remind me.”

“Aw,” Jorel huffed. “But you were so cute,” Jorel’s voice deepened, poorly imitating Johnny’s, “Jorel, are you sure I’m not bein’ too rough?” Johnny stuck his tongue out at him and pulled his hat down over his eyes.

“I hate you right now,” he hissed.

Jorel snickered and kissed his nose, “actually, I was just thinking about being on the balcony.” Johnny tugged the hat up cautiously and looked at him, “when you told me how your heart races because of me.” Johnny’s jaw twitched with embarrassment, and he grumbled to himself. “I just wanted to know,” Jorel’s tone was dreamy, just like his expression, as he pressed his hand to Johnny’s chest, feeling his heartbeat beneath his palm. “Does it still do that?”

Johnny was dead silent as he studied Jorel’s face. Jorel could feel the rhythm speed up when he rubbed his thumb over the dip of his sternum. Johnny’s voice cracked as he stammered out a soft, “yes.” Jorel’s eyes flashed to his face, seeing a hazy look creeping in around the corners just a bit. He smiled and leaned in, kissing the bridge of his nose while Johnny’s arms squeezed around his waist. Jorel traced his fingers down his torso, feeling the small bump of his nipple under his shirt and briefly fighting the urge to pinch him when his breath stuttered. Johnny was sensitive there, and Jorel was very much aware of that. “Jorel,” Johnny whispered his name.

Jorel’s hand made its way down, sliding between his thighs and squeezing him lightly. He was already half hard, unsurprisingly. Didn’t seem to take much at all. Johnny grunted softly and tilted his head back, “Jorel,” he purred. Jorel dipped his head and kissed him firmly, squeezing and stroking him through his pants. Jorel felt touch starved more than before. He craved Johnny’s attention, craved his hands on him. He hadn’t felt Johnny since… His movements stopped all at once. A sick feeling descended on him.  _ ‘What the hell am I doing?’ _ He pulled back, “mmh, wuh’s wrong?” Johnny’s speech was slurred with arousal. Jorel made a small upset noise in his throat, releasing Johnny’s dick and scrambling out of his lap. “Jorel, what is it?” Johnny sat up straight and started to reach for him, confused. “What’s wrong?” Jorel shied away from his hand, scooting all the way across the couch and burying his face in his hands.

“I can’t.” His body shook with emotions he couldn’t begin to describe, “I’m sorry.” Johnny was quiet. Jorel heard the couch creak softly as Johnny sat back.

“It’s okay,” Johnny said gently. Jorel didn’t look up at him, he was too busy fending off the tears. He felt disgusting and dirty. He didn’t want Johnny touching something like that. He didn’t even know if he was carrying some disease yet. What if he got Johnny sick? He wanted to throw up. He hated the situation. He hated the disgusting unclean feeling all over his skin. He’d just showered, yet he wanted to crawl back in and stay there until his skin burned off or he used up all the hot water in the world. He couldn’t shake how dirty he felt. Used. He was used. He felt a shift, and he glanced up. Johnny’s hand rested on his knee, and he smiled at him over his legs. Jorel put his feet on the floor, and bolted off the couch, retreating down the hallway and sliding into the hall closet. “Jorel? Jorel, wait!” He pulled the door shut behind him and sat on the floor, tucking himself back as far from the door as he could and hugging his knees to his chest tightly. Johnny’s voice came from down the hall, thick with anger, “DAMN IT! Why don’t you trust me?!” Jorel’s gut twisted with guilt. He flinched when the front door being slammed shut. A lump formed in his throat and he buried his face into his knees, choking on a sob.  _ ‘I’m sorry…’ _


End file.
